The Continuing Bonds Theory of Grief
For decades, grief was often viewed through the lens of "letting go" and "moving on." However, modern grief psychology has embraced what's known as the Continuing Bonds theory - the understanding that maintaining a connection with those we've lost can be healthy and healing.
As grief counselor William Worden explains, "The goal is not to sever the bond with the deceased, but to find a new and appropriate place for them in one's emotional life."
Memory as a Bridge
Preserved memories serve as a bridge between past and present, allowing us to:
- Process emotions at our own pace
- Maintain a sense of connection during the most difficult moments
- Share the essence of loved ones with those who may not have known them
- Find comfort in familiar voices, stories, and wisdom
Creating Healthy Memory Practices
Not all approaches to memory preservation support healthy grieving. The key is finding balance - acknowledging loss while celebrating the relationship that continues in a new form.
Psychologist Dr. Robert Neimeyer suggests creating "memory rituals" that feel meaningful and appropriate. These might include:
- Setting aside specific times to engage with preserved memories
- Creating memory books or digital collections
- Sharing stories with others who knew your loved one
- Finding ways to incorporate their wisdom into your ongoing life
When Memory Preservation Helps Most
Research indicates that preserved memories can be particularly helpful during:
- Milestone events (holidays, anniversaries, celebrations)
- Times of major life decisions
- Periods when you wish for guidance or comfort
- Moments when you want to share someone's legacy with others
The ability to choose when and how to connect with these memories provides a sense of control during a process that often feels chaotic and overwhelming.
